In step one, you just noticed. In step two, you chose intentionally to act. And in step three, we’re gonna heal the wounded child. I. Welcome back to The Secure Husband Article, Bruce Abbott, certified professional coach and founder of SecureHusband.com, where I help good men stop feeling lost in their marriage.
This is the part of the process that I get the most questions about healing the inner child.
If you’ve listened to any of these article episodes, you know that is in every single episode because that is the core of the healing process. About this idea of healing your wounded inner child.
And I’m gonna tell you, if you’re rolling your eyeballs at me we’re gonna light some incense and sing kumbaya, just stick with me for a minute
because this isn’t fluff. This is the part of the process where real change begins. You noticed. You made a decision to act and now you’re gonna connect with and heal that boy inside of you who first felt abandoned or not good enough or unlovable at an early age, and he’s been driving your marriage this entire time, and you’re gonna keep reacting to your wife from his wounds.
And you keep trying to get her to meet your needs that you’ve never met for yourself, and that’s always gonna push her further away. And you’re gonna always abandon yourself, and that’s what’s kept you from a strong sense of self love and self-worth.
I want to go into detail because I get so many questions about this part of the process. What is the inner child, actually, how does this wound form, what does it look like when he is running your marriage and how do you talk to your inner child? How do you heal him? I’ll tell you, you do it with compassion.
And you do it with consistency and you do it with leadership, and we’ll get into that.
But I first wanna clarify this inner child, it’s not some abstract concept. It’s a very real emotional part of you. It’s the version of you that formed between when you were born and we’ll say your teenage years. It holds all of your earliest experiences of love and fear and shame and rejection and joy.
Most importantly, your inner child is the one who felt everything deeply before you ever learned how to name it, and then suppress it.
Because you learn coping mechanisms when you’re a kid, and as you move into adulthood, that’s what you know. So that’s what you do as an adult and especially in your marriage. So when you were a kid, if your parents didn’t comfort you when you cried, maybe, or if love was conditional, if anger in your home was dangerous.
Or if you had to perform to be accepted so that young part of you absorbed all of that.
Subconsciously, because when you’re that young, you don’t know how to deal with big emotions and scary emotions and adults. So when that younger version of you absorbs all of this, he makes these decisions. Subconsciously that I’m not good enough. I have to earn love. My needs don’t matter. I need to stay quiet to be safe.
If I speak up, I’ll get yelled at. Don’t be too much. I’m not lovable as I am.
You’re young, you don’t know how to put words to those, that’s what’s happening. These beliefs didn’t just vanish. When you hit teenage years, they get buried. And as a grown man, they come out in these moments when you feel abandoned or disrespected or rejected.
That’s what I mean in these articles. When I say you are not reacting as a calm, grounded husband, when you’re triggered, you’re reacting as a scared little boy.
So if you ever catch yourself doing something, like I don’t even want to go into the room with her because I can feel her contempt and anger. That’s often your inner child driving. He’s running the show. If you get emotionally flooded when your wife pulls away or withdraws, even if it’s something minor, or if you go silent or withdrawn when she criticizes you, maybe you beg for attention and then get angry when it’s not returned.
Those unspoken rules
you feel panicked, it’s an irrational kind of panic. When she’s distant or quiet or you avoid conflict ’cause you’re terrified of it or feeling like you’re too much or, or not enough, or you feel like a failure when she’s unhappy, even if it’s not about you. All of these things, there are so many that can be triggering moments.
These are protective behaviors that your inner child developed to survive pain, and they’re sabotaging your marriage. They’re sabotaging your life.
When she sees you react with fear and rage, or you’re sulking, or you’re stonewalling, she doesn’t see a strong man. She sees a wounded one, and until you become a father to that child inside of you, until you stop abandoning him, you’ll keep trying to make your wife carry the weight of your unhealed past.
What “Reparenting” Means
So let’s look at how to do this. Let’s look at how we change. We reparent the wounded child inside of us. So what does that mean? Think of it this way. The man you are today becomes the safe, loving, and steady father that boy never had. So that starts a dialogue with the little boy inside of you. So let’s take this step by step.
Create a Safe Space
First of all, find a calm, safe space because this is not something that you just sit down and do real quick. Give yourself 10, 20 minutes alone. No noise, no phone, just you and your thoughts. Close your eyes. If you’re driving, don’t do this. But when you get to a point where you can do this, close your eyes and breathe deeply.
You put your hand on your chest and invite that younger part of you to come forward. Think about him. Picture him. I find it helpful to picture myself in a triggering moment that I might have had when I was a young child. Picture yourself. In that moment, you’re crying, you’re in pain, you’re hurting.
If that’s not something that you can do, just picture yourself. Maybe bring out a picture of you as a child and set it out and just look at that and imagine that younger part of you, he’s inside of you, and invite that younger part of you to come forward. He might be. Four years old, 6, 10, 14.
Just see who shows up. Picture him. Imagine what he looks like, where he is at. What’s the expression he has on his face?
Begin the Dialogue
Okay. And start lovingly talking to him. You can do this out loud if you want. I do it very silently in my head. Hey buddy, I see you. I’m here now. How are you feeling?
And when you ask yourself that, you start feeling the answers, and that’s where the dialogue begins. Your feelings might come up and say, I’m scared, or I don’t feel enough. No one sees me. I want someone to love me
and just be silent and be open to what that little boy inside of you is saying, because that’s your core feelings right there. That is what you’re feeling subconsciously deep inside. Those are the feelings that you may have been trying to suppress or numb out, but just let him speak. Let him feel.
Don’t correct him or explain things. Just listen. Acknowledge him, validate him. And this is huge. You respond in a loving, compassionate way. You say, little guy. Of course you feel that way. It makes so much sense. You went through so much little guy, I’m sorry you felt so alone, you didn’t deserve that.
You are so worthy of love and comfort, and I’m here now. I won’t abandon you again.
That’s not just empty words, that’s healing right there. That’s like medicine for the soul because that little boy inside of you has been waiting your entire life. For someone to say those things, that you are loved unconditionally, that you are worthy, ask what he needs. Ask that little boy. He might need reassurance.
He might want to just cry and show emotion that he was never allowed to do. He might want you to promise to stop yelling at yourself and blaming yourself and hurting yourself. He might be angry at you for abandoning him and yourself. He may be mad at you for tolerating the intolerable.
Just listen. He’s gonna tell you, he might say things like, why do you let her treat you like that?
Or Why do you keep numbing out with alcohol instead of standing up for me? Just listen. And ask him, what do you need from me right now? And listen, and then give it to him. Maybe it’s a hug. Maybe he’s so starved for affection that he could use a hug. And yes, put your arms around yourself. Give yourself a hug.
Maybe it’s a promise to stop chasing women’s approval. Maybe he just needs a moment of stillness.
Maybe he needs a commitment for you to protect him. Next time that you’re triggered, you listen. He will tell you what you need to hear. Because that’s your true self. That’s your true core speaking to you right there and now you become the father that he never had
emotionally.
Practice Daily
And you do this on a regular basis. It’s not a one time thing. When you are able to learn how to dialogue daily with your inner child, you will learn so much and you will heal, truly heal. From the inside out.
A Practical Walkthrough
So here’s what it might look like in practice. Let’s imagine you’ve been rejected sexually by your wife Again, you feel angry. You feel ashamed. In step one of this process. You learned through noticing how you’re triggered. In step two, you made a conscious decision, a courageous choice, to no longer be triggered and react.
You don’t know necessarily what that action is that you’re gonna take yet, but you’ve made that decision to not do things the way you’ve been doing them that hasn’t been working and to make a different decision.
So you’re here, you’ve been rejected sexually by your wife. All those feelings are triggered. Anger, shame, worthlessness. Now you go to your quiet place, close your eyes, take a big deep breath and picture your 10-year-old self. You as the adult, you say, Hey buddy, you there? Your inner child will say, yeah, I’m here.
You say, I saw how hurt you were just now. What are you feeling right now? You say that to that inner child he’ll respond, I feel like I’m not wanted. I’m not desired. Something’s wrong with me. And then you go back to him and say, yeah, I get that. It really hurts to feel unwanted. Huh?
Your inner child may say, she doesn’t even look at me.
And you tell that inner child, I know. I also know this isn’t the first time you felt invisible. And inside he says, yeah, mom used to do that just ignored me when I cried. You tell him, I’m so sorry little guy. You didn’t deserve that. You needed love. You needed someone to say you mattered. You needed someone to give you a hug.
Your inner child may say, yeah, I just wanted someone to hold me. And you can tell him, little guy, I’m here now. I’ve got you. I won’t abandon you like that, and your inner child is gonna hold you to it. Do you promise? You have to answer him. I promise. I’m learning how to be a man who can protect you, love you, give you what you never got.
You don’t have to beg anymore. I’ve got you.
And then just take a deep breath and pause. Now, when you first do this. It’s gonna feel awkward. It’s gonna sound awkward, but after a while, it becomes freeing. It becomes so powerful, feeling that kind of conversation that your body and soul needed since you were a child.
And when you have that conversation, it starts to restructure your nervous system.
I find that when I started doing that, I stopped reacting like a child that needed rescue, and it allowed me to start responding like a man grounded in self-worth when things triggered me,
and it will feel a little awkward at first, but once you get comfortable with it.
It just feels good. It feels good, and it’s not a one and done thing. It’s like anything else that you practice. The more you do it, the more comfortable you get with it and you get better at it. And sometimes it can be very emotional and that’s okay. When I first started doing this, I would’ve tears running down my face or just intense feelings of sadness. But this is okay. This is totally normal. This is grief that’s been buried for years. Just let it come out because in many instances that little boy has never felt safe to just be emotional and cry.
Sometimes you might feel resistance or numbness. That’s normal too. There’s parts of you that may not trust this yet. Your inner child may not trust you as an adult because you’ve abandoned him so much. And I’m not saying that to shame or blame or guilt. It’s just the truth. So just stay with it.
Part of the dialogue process is earning trust between you and your inner child. Because you’ve abandoned yourself all these years. You probably don’t trust yourself, and that’s what this is. It’s that inner boy inside. He doesn’t trust the adult yet
oftentimes you have these emotional breakthroughs. When you can finally connect the dots between your childhood and your marriage. Just that awareness alone can be transformational. But I’ll tell you one of the biggest things of doing this process is there’s a peace. It’s a peace I have never felt before.
And as you do this. Over time, you stop needing constant validation from your wife because now you’re starting to validate yourself. You’re giving love to yourself. You’re feeling more steady and more loving. You’re feeling more peaceful and free.
Your wife will even notice this. She’ll be like, you know, you seem calmer. Lighter was the word that my wife used. You seem lighter. Emotionally lighter. Others may notice that you don’t get as reactive anymore. They’ll notice that something’s different, but this is not about them.
This is not what they notice. This is about you learning how to show up for yourself with love and self-compassion, and affirmations of self-worth.
Why This Goes Deeper Than Affirmations
Now, is this the same as affirmations? Affirmations are powerful, I never felt like affirmations went deep. I felt like they were always surface level, but this goes deep. This goes deep into your core, into your soul, that inner child, and it’s not affirmations for the sake of affirmations.
It’s listening and loving. And not just feeding positive thoughts.
Connecting Childhood to Today
So for example, years ago, I would panic that my wife wasn’t desiring me anymore, didn’t love me anymore. Every time she was tired or would withdraw or
feel disconnected, I would spiral
And that’s a situation that I hear from a lot of my guys I work with. Some of them will send these long texts and write these long letters and have these conversations. The talk if you haven’t listened to the earlier episode about stop giving the talk, it’s worth a listen. It’s all these things.
Were a push for reassurance, for validation, trying to fix the situation. It would just end up making it worse.
But when I started this inner child healing process, I started to realize how this would remind me of situations that happened in my childhood. And guys that I would coach, we would talk about these things and they would say, yeah, my mom left me at daycare one time and forgot to pick me up when I was seven or when my dad left home and divorced my mom and had a new girlfriend and I only saw him once a year on my birthday.
Those types of situations, we sit in those memories.
We help walk that inner child, that 7-year-old version. Through that process,
we ask him, how did you feel? And we show him compassion
and there’s no shame or dismissal. And that inner child, he listens. I. He gets reassured by you, the adult. He learns how to trust this wounded adult again when he stops abandoning himself.
So when you can do that and you start protecting that little boy inside, instead of abandoning him, when my wife would get distant.
I learned not to chase anymore, and it gave me the ability to just pause and take a deep breath, you know? and in a quiet place later it could be like, Hey, little guy, I see you. You’re okay. You’re safe. I’m not abandoning you. And he can stay calm. And when that inner boy’s not panicking. Your nervous system is soothed, and that’s how you respond instead of react and when you can get to that moment that shifts everything.
A Daily Practice You Can Use
What I like to do is in the morning I like to just put my hand on my chest. And say, Hey little guy. Good morning. How you doing? I just wanna let you know you’re safe and let’s lead with love together today.
And then I go on to prayer. For me, it’s God, whatever the universe, higher power. We’re gonna talk about that in the next article episode. I. And I connect that inner boy with that divine guidance, that source of unconditional love and inherent worth.
And this helps because then when things are triggering, you can ask yourself, okay, what’s hurting in me right now? Little guy, what do you need from me? And then later on, if you’re good at journaling, man, this is a great time to journal those thoughts. Where did my inner child show up today? How was he triggered?
How did I soothe him? How did I respond to him? The more you do this, the more natural it becomes, and you become a safe place for yourself, which you’ve never really had before, and
that brings peace and clarity, and it brings an energy that makes you safe for others too.
But this is for you and this work is hard. And yeah, it may feel weird in the beginning talking to yourself. You’re like, I, this is just bizarre. I don’t even know where to start. Just use the tips in this article today. I tell you, the strongest men I know are the ones who stop abandoning themselves. Those are the types of men that I look up to.
That’s the kind of man I strive to be, and I do it without shame for myself. I’m not weak for having wounds, neither are you. I’m not broken because my pain shows up in my marriage and neither are you.
You’ve got a responsibility to that little boy inside of you. ’cause he’s still waiting. He’s not waiting for your wife to fix him. He’s not waiting for your dad who left home to come back. He’s waiting for you, the man you are today, to say, I see you. I love you. I’m not gonna abandon you. That’s what creates real healing.
That’s what makes you emotionally secure. That transforms not just your marriage, but your entire life.
You’re never alone. That little guy is inside of you that whole time.
You’re learning how to become the man that your younger self always needed. And I’ll tell you this, you’re gonna need something bigger than just you
because those false core beliefs are powerful. You need a source of truth, a source of unconditional love. A source of inherent worth, and that’s something bigger than you or I or your inner boy. So you are gonna need to connect to that source of love,
and we’re gonna talk about that in the next article. Connecting to God or the universe or your higher self.
Because you’re gonna need to go to someone to change those false core beliefs and ask, what is truth?
Am I worthy of love? You’ll 📍 get that answer. Absolutely.
Quick Reference: Inner Child Healing Steps
- Make space: 10–20 minutes alone, breathe, hand on chest.
- Invite him forward: Picture your younger self; notice age, face, posture.
- Listen first: Ask what he feels; do not correct or explain.
- Validate: “Of course you feel that. You didn’t deserve that. I’m here now.”
- Ask needs: Reassurance, a hug, protection, stillness, honesty.
- Promise and keep it: “I won’t abandon you.” Follow through daily.
- Practice daily: Short morning check-in; journal when helpful.
- Expect resistance: Stay consistent; trust builds over time.
FAQs
How do I heal my inner child when my wife feels distant?
Create a quiet space, invite your younger self forward, and validate his pain. Promise safety and presence. This calms your nervous system so you can respond, not react.
What is the fastest way to start inner child work for husbands?
Start with a daily 2-minute check-in: hand on chest, “Hey little guy, I’m here. What do you need today?” Keep it simple and consistent.
How can I stop chasing validation in my marriage?
Reassure your inner child directly. Promise not to abandon him. When he feels seen by you, the urge to chase external validation decreases.
What if I feel numb and can’t connect?
Numbness is a protector. Acknowledge it. Tell your inner child, “I know this feels strange, and I’m staying.” Keep showing up. Trust grows with consistency.
Does inner child healing replace counseling?
No. It complements counseling. Inner child work builds self-trust and steadiness so you can use therapy and healthy conversations more effectively.
Get Unstuck
If you’re a husband who feels stuck, lonely, or unseen—and you want to stop reacting and start healing—I’m here for you. You don’t have to do this alone. Reach out to me for one-on-one coaching so we can help you become the Secure Husband you’re meant to be. Fill out the contact form and reach out today.