On our last article, we learned how to notice and be curious, and just be aware of what’s going on inside of you. Now we make a decision. We choose to act and move from noticing to intention. Welcome back to The Secure Husband Article, Bruce Abbott, certified professional coach and founder of SecureHusband.com, where I help good men learn how to stop reacting and start healing.
This is the second of six articles on the Secure Husband Process and going more into detail about what each of these steps look like.
Before you read this article, I encourage you to go back to the last article about step one, noticing and being curious.
From Awareness to Intention
See, now that we’ve become aware of what’s going on inside of us, what’s going on externally with our circumstances? We’re practicing radical acceptance. We’re living in reality and not fantasy anymore, and the big picture is starting to become clearer. We move to step two, an intentional decision to act. This is not the action itself. That’s later on in the process. This is just the conscious commitment to do something about what you’ve noticed.
So back in step one, in the Secure Husband Process, we noticed how we react internally to triggering events. We practice curiosity.
Step two is where you draw that line in the sand with yourself. This is where you say, okay, I see this. I see it for what it is. My eyes are open. I’m no longer going to pretend that I don’t see it. I’m no longer going to sweep it under the rug and ignore it. I’m making a decision to respond to what I’ve now learned about myself and about my surroundings.
So this step is about intention. This step is about courage.
This is where the pivot starts.
Why This Decision Matters
’Cause before you’ve been dancing around your pain, you’ve been avoiding it, numbing it out, avoiding conflict, avoiding taking responsibility for your own growth. This is where you stop doing that. This is where you choose how you’re going to show up. This is where you choose to do something different.
This is where you choose to feel the fear and do it anyway, whatever that is, and we’ll get to that in a later step.
And that choice can be internal or external actions, which we will determine later on in the process.
Now that your eyes are open, those old stories can start creeping in. Okay, what if I fail? What if I try and it still doesn’t change anything? This is the moment where a lot of men get stuck. They feel the fear and they stall out, and then they go back to listening to articles and reading books and overanalyzing.
Those are all great learning tools, especially if you’re in the first step. I think this article does a good job of opening your eyes to situations, but you can overanalyze all you want.
But if you want true change, you have to act. You have to choose to act.
What “Choosing to Act” Really Means
So what does it mean when you choose to act?
It’s really that simple. It’s moving through fear and telling yourself, I have to change this situation. I am in pain. I have to heal myself, and I choose to act on my circumstances.
Because step one was about awareness. Step one was about noticing what’s happening, but that’s not the same as change. Because you can notice your patterns and never make any lasting change. So yeah, you can notice that I always get triggered when she ignores me or I go numb when she criticizes me, or I get anxious when she withdraws or pulls away.
You can journal about it, you can talk to your buddies about it. You can read this article over and over, but nothing shifts until you decide to do something about it.
And that doing something is not trying to fix it or solve it, or make your wife do something different. It’s taking responsibility for your own emotional core.
For example, you may be in a moment and you can tell yourself, I see this fear. I see the fear. I can feel the fear in me. I feel the pain in me and I’m no longer willing to let it run my life.
It’s that proverbial fork in the road. Am I going to keep going down the path I’ve been going down, which is painful and nothing ever changes?
Or am I going to take the other path?
It’s going to be a hard path. It’s not going to be easy. But that decision, even though this is just internal, that decision is where your transformation begins. You’re moving from observing and curiosity and awareness and enlightenment. Now that you see the situation for what it is, now you’re choosing to do something about it, and you’re stepping into leadership. Leadership over your own nervous system, over your own mind, your own life.
It’s that moment where you start showing up as the man that you want to become and not this wounded boy that you’ve been.
It sounds very simple, but it’s often the biggest hurdle in the process.
Expect Fear—Lead Anyway
Because once you decide to do something different, even if it’s just a mindset shift, fear is going to show up, it’s going to poke its ugly head up, and you’re going to start saying things to yourself like, okay, what if this doesn’t work? What if I make things worse? What if she doesn’t respond?
What if I open up and get shut down again? That’s normal. That’s expected.
That’s that protective part of your nervous system doing its job. Your brain wants comfort. It doesn’t want conflict. Your brain doesn’t want you to grow. It just wants you to survive. And survival meant familiarity. Even if it’s painful, even if it sucks, it’s predictable. So when you make the internal decision to change your default response—even just internally—your system freaks out. Your nervous system thinks you’re putting yourself in danger. Fight or flight.
But guess what? That’s okay. The fear is a sign that you’re moving in the right direction. It’s not a sign that you’re doing something wrong, it’s a sign that you’re doing something new. As you learned in step one, what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working.
What This Step Looks Like (Quiet but Powerful)
So what does this step actually look like? It’s subtle, but it’s powerful ’cause you’re not jumping into this big conversation with your wife or confronting or setting ultimatums. No, it doesn’t look like any of this. The intent to act, this choice to act, is internal. It’s very quiet. It’s very grounded.
This is where you sit down with yourself—and eventually we’ll talk about this dialogue with your inner boy—but you sit down with yourself and you tell yourself, I’ve been reacting with silence and blame. I don’t want to live that way anymore. I want to respond with strength and calm. I’m tired of responding with fear and control.
And you tell yourself, I’m committed. I’m committed to learning what it means to lead myself, even if I don’t know what that looks like yet or how to do it.
And you learned from the last article that I’m not a very good journaler, but if you are, this is a great time to write it down. You write it down, Hey, I’m no longer available for self-abandonment. Write those words down, read ’em over and over if you have to. I will not keep betraying my truth to earn love.
And I’m going to face the fear. I’m going to face what I’ve been avoiding. I’m going to face it with love and self-compassion and not shame.
There’s a great book, I did an article earlier on Dr. Susan Jeffers. She’s passed away, but her book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is fantastic about pushing through fear.
This step takes courage. This is the decision that’s a turning point. It’s that before-and-after moment. The difference between being stuck in familiar dysfunctional patterns and stepping into a healing process. And once you decide, then the next steps begin to unfold and become clear.
But you have to decide first.
The Mind’s Negotiations (And How to Answer Them)
I said before, it sounds simple because you can write it down on paper: make the decision to grow.
But in reality, everything inside of you tries to negotiate it. Your fear is like, well, let’s wait and see what she does first. How does she respond? Maybe I’ll do it after the next fight. Yeah. This isn’t the right time. I’m tired. She’s tired. I’m busy. We’re overwhelmed. Underneath all of that is fear and shame,
because that little part of your brain is telling you you’ve failed too many times. You don’t deserve to lead. You’re not the kind of man who changes. That’s the resistance that kills healing ’cause that’s not true. It feels true, but it’s a false core belief. And when we connect to our higher power and divine guidance, in a later step, we’ll get clear on what truth is.
But that’s why this decision to act is so powerful, because it’s an act of rebellion against shame.
Because you reach that point where you tell yourself, you know what? Even if I’ve failed before, even if I have no idea what I’m doing, even if I’m scared out of my mind, I am going to choose to show up anyway. That’s courage. That’s what makes you a leader—leading yourself. Not being fearless, but being committed despite the fear.
That’s courage.
An Example from Coaching
So I just had a session today with one of my guys. He realized in this session that he always shuts down emotionally when his wife brings up concerns. And it’s not because he didn’t care. But because he didn’t want to say the wrong thing and make it worse. So in step one, he noticed the pattern,
but now in this second step, he chose not to hide anymore. He told himself, even if I fumble, I’m going to stay present.
This step is just choosing. That was the shift.
And then as he dialogued with his inner child and connected to his higher guidance, he learned how to not hide anymore and how to stay present. And that’s the shift. Are you going to say the perfect words? Probably not. Are you going to instantly fix communication? No. But now when his wife says something that may normally trigger him, he can pause and breathe and he can tell himself, I’m here.
I’m not running. I want to understand you. You may not agree with what’s being said by your wife,
but you stay present. And many times in situations like that, when you are present, she’s more relaxed. She can soften and she doesn’t come across as attacking or all those triggering behaviors, and it’s not because you have the right answer at the moment. It’s just because she feels something different inside of you.
Something has shifted because that energy—she can feel that energy. That’s the power of making a decision.
A Short Guided Practice (Do This Now)
Pause for just a moment. Close your eyes if you can, just take a big deep breath. Put your hand on your chest. Okay. Ask yourself, what pattern have I noticed in me lately? Okay. Maybe it’s reacting with anger. Maybe it’s shutting down. Maybe it’s chasing, trying to earn love, reassurance.
Maybe you’re hiding your truth to keep the peace. Just take a deep breath and notice that. Those are the things you learned in step one. And now for step two, ask yourself, am I willing to choose something different? Even if I don’t know what that action is yet, but can I decide right now that I will no longer live this way?
And if the answer is yes, hey, say it out loud if you can, but definitely in your heart,
tell yourself I see it. I’m no longer going to ignore it. I am making a choice. I am choosing to change from the inside out. I’m going to choose to face the fear and be courageous. I choose to learn how to respond instead of react. I understand I don’t need to fix it today, but I choose to not continue running from it.
So just say those things to yourself. Take a big deep breath again. See, you just took the second step. You noticed where the problem was and now you’ve decided—you’ve chosen—to do something different.
That’s a big deal. ’Cause now you’re saying yes to growth.
What Unfolds After the Decision
And this step matters more than you know, because once you notice and then you make that intentional decision to choose, this is where the Secure Husband Process really starts to unfold. Because at this point, you’re going to learn how to connect to the parts of you that are wounded and scared—that inner child—you’re going to learn how to parent him,
and you’re going to learn how to listen to divine truth, not just your old wounds and false core beliefs. That’s what the upcoming steps are going to be. That’s what the next several articles are going to be about—these next steps—and you’re going to start getting clear on what aligned action looks like. And this is how you start to learn how to lead yourself and your marriage from truth and not fear.
But this is the point. This is the moment that changes your life because this is the decision. This is that fork in the road. You don’t have the solutions yet, but you’ve stopped pretending that you’re powerless and you now understand that you can choose to act. You don’t have to stay silent anymore, and you don’t have to ignore it and sweep it under the rug anymore.
It seems like a small step, but it is everything. You stop playing the victim in your own story. Yeah, I may not know exactly what to do yet, but I’m done doing nothing and I’m done doing what I know isn’t helpful. If I come home and numb out on alcohol or porn or social media,
I’m done doing that. I’m done waiting. I’m done blaming.
I’m choosing to do the things that are hard to heal. That choice has power. That’s courage, that’s leadership, that’s love, that’s self-love. And as we say, when you love yourself so much that you can overflow love to others, that’s when you really become the secure husband. So when you make 📍 that decision in your heart, I applaud you.
I honor you. It’s courageous.
Key Takeaways
- Awareness isn’t enough. Step one opens your eyes; step two commits your heart.
- The decision is internal. Quiet, grounded, and firm.
- Fear will rise. That’s not failure; that’s a sign of growth.
- Stop negotiating with shame. Choose courage over old stories.
- Presence beats perfection. Stay present, even if you fumble.
- Leadership starts within. Lead your nervous system; lead your life.
FAQs
How do I start acting differently in my marriage without a big confrontation?
Begin with an internal decision. Tell yourself you will stay present, breathe, and respond instead of react. You don’t need a dramatic talk to start leading yourself.
What if choosing to act makes things worse with my wife?
Your goal isn’t to control her response. Your goal is to become steady and present. That steadiness often reduces conflict over time.
How do I stop shutting down when I feel attacked?
Pause. Breathe. Put a hand on your chest. Say, “I’m here. I’m not running.” Ask yourself what you’re afraid of and what you need right now.
Can I change if I’ve failed many times before?
Yes. Past failures don’t define you. This decision is an act of courage against shame. Change begins with a single, honest choice.
What is the next step after I choose to act?
You’ll learn to connect with your inner child and listen to true guidance. Then you’ll take aligned action. But first, hold the decision. Let it steady you.
Get Unstuck
If you’re a husband who feels stuck, lonely, or unseen—and you want to stop reacting and start healing—I’m here for you. You don’t have to do this alone. Reach out to me for one-on-one coaching so we can help you become the Secure Husband you’re meant to be. Fill out the contact form and reach out today.