In the next six episodes, I’m going to go into detail about the Secure Husband Process and help clarify the different steps. I’ve received so many comments, DMs, and questions about how to actually put this into action.
So, let’s start right here—with the first step: noticing.
This is where awareness begins. It’s where you start to choose curiosity over control because control hasn’t been working. This step is the key that opens the door to the whole process. It’s the first step in almost every milestone in your healing process, in rebuilding your marriage, or sometimes even realizing it’s time to go separate ways.
Because this is where you open your eyes. You begin to see your situation from a different perspective. Many men I talk to say this process has helped them “finally see” what’s really happening in their marriage. That’s the goal—to help you shift from insecure to secure.
Why Awareness Is the Foundation
When you’re stuck in pain—your wife is cold, withdrawn, angry—you walk on eggshells. The bedroom feels deserted. You’ve tried to fix it, to change her, to control the outcome, but nothing works.
This is the moment you begin to notice that the only person you can control is yourself. But you can’t control what you don’t understand, and you can’t understand what you’re not curious about.
So, this step is where you sit with your experiences. You don’t judge or escape them—you get curious. You start asking:
- What’s going on inside me right now?
- What’s happening in my relationship?
- What am I feeling?
Everything flows from this awareness.
Curiosity Over Control
Most men were never taught curiosity about their emotions. We were taught to fix, perform, and provide. Don’t be sensitive. Don’t feel. Move on.
So, when pain hits—rejection, distance, disrespect, silence—we fight, shut down, or try to control. We overexplain, withdraw, or get angry.
If you’ve done that, it’s okay. You’re human. But you can ask: Is this working for me?
This is where radical acceptance begins. What’s really happening?
Have you ever tried to share your hurt and she shut down even more? Snapped in frustration and watched her retreat? Acted like you didn’t care while dying inside?
These are the moments to pause and notice.
“Am I doing this when she does that? How do I respond?”
As you learn to self-soothe, you begin to open your eyes. You start to see patterns you’ve never noticed.
The Shift from Blame to Curiosity
When you’re not curious, you default to blame—either toward her or yourself. But blame doesn’t lead to change. Blame grows shame and resentment.
Curiosity, on the other hand, opens the door to understanding.
Ask yourself:
- What’s going on in me right now?
- What did she say or do that triggered me?
- Why did I feel that tightness in my chest?
- What am I believing about myself in this moment?
These questions might sound simple, but they’re powerful.
When you pause and get curious, you’re holding space for yourself instead of reacting. That’s where emotional growth begins.
A Real-Life Example
Let’s say your wife walks in from work, barely says a word, doesn’t smile, and walks right past you. Without curiosity, your brain fills in the gaps:
“She’s mad at me again.”
“She doesn’t love me.”
“This marriage is hopeless.”
Your chest tightens, emotions rise, and you react. Maybe you lash out, sulk, or numb out with another drink. The night ends in silence or a fight.
But with curiosity, the inner dialogue changes.
You pause and think:
“Wow, that hurt. Why?”
Then you ask, “What story did I just tell myself about her behavior?”
Maybe it’s “I’m not worthy” or “She doesn’t care about me.”
Then ask, “What if this isn’t about me? What’s happening inside me that needs care right now?”
This is where you start to father your emotions—the way no one may have done for you as a child.
Observing Instead of Reacting
When you’re observing, you’re not at the mercy of your emotions. You’re leading them.
That’s emotional leadership. That’s what it means to be a secure husband.
You’re not emotionless. You’re not numb. You’re simply present—curious, open, and courageous enough to feel.
Two Wounded People
In almost every struggling marriage, there are two wounded people. It’s not one “crazy” partner and one “sane” one. Both are reacting from pain.
It’s easy to blame her. It’s easy to take all the blame yourself. But both are reactions.
Awareness brings balance. You begin to see:
- Where am I reacting instead of responding?
- What triggers my responses?
- How are these old patterns showing up in my marriage today?
This awareness takes courage. It asks you to slow down and feel what you’ve avoided for years.
Why Men Resist Awareness
As men, we were told that emotions equal weakness. Maybe you had a dad who yelled or disappeared, so you learned that being quiet and agreeable kept you safe.
Now, when rejection or anger shows up, you avoid or control it. But resisting your feelings doesn’t make you strong—it makes you disconnected.
Curiosity reconnects you to yourself.
Ask:
- What am I feeling?
- What’s triggering it?
This takes time. But clarity grows through curiosity, not control.
Pain Is Not the Enemy
Pain is not a sign that something’s wrong with you. It’s a sign that something needs your attention.
When you feel that wave of rejection or loneliness, don’t shut it down. Take a deep breath.
Say to yourself:
“Okay, I’m triggered. What’s this trying to tell me?”
Ask God—or your higher power—“What do you need me to see right now?”
Or ask your inner self: “Where have I been ignoring you?”
That’s not weakness. That’s strength. That’s leadership.
You’re becoming the safe, steady man your younger self needed.
The Power of Reflection
Once you begin noticing, you’ll start seeing patterns:
- You need your wife to validate your worth.
- You try to fix her silence.
- You react instead of staying calm.
Let’s say your wife never initiates affection and seems constantly annoyed. Every conversation turns into a debate. Before awareness, your first question was, “What’s wrong with her?”
Now, your first question becomes, “What’s going on in me right now?”
That shift changes everything.
You might realize her coldness reminds you of how your mom ignored you as a kid. That feeling of invisibility hits deep.
Suddenly, you’re not reacting to your wife—you’re responding to an old wound.
Journaling and Self-Compassion
If you’re a journaler, use this step to write down:
- What am I feeling when she does __?
- What fear is being triggered?
- What do I need to remember when this happens again?
You’re not being judgmental—you’re learning.
This shifts your energy from victim to student. You’re on a quest for understanding.
And here’s the truth: self-compassion is at the core of this process.
You’ve spent years being harsh with yourself. That stops here. When you resist or hear the voice that says, “This is dumb,” respond gently:
“Hey, I get it. This feels awkward. But I’m in pain, and I want to heal.”
That’s emotional safety. That’s leadership.
The Challenge for This Week
Just pick one moment—one trigger. When it happens, pause.
Ask yourself:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What do I need right now?
- Where is this coming from?
That one pause can change everything. Once you see clearly, you can lead clearly.
And that’s where healing begins.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the first step in healing my marriage?
The first step is awareness—learning to notice your emotions and triggers instead of reacting to them.
Why does curiosity matter so much?
Curiosity helps you understand what’s happening inside of you. It breaks patterns of blame and opens space for growth.
What if I feel too overwhelmed to deal with my emotions?
Start small. Take one moment at a time. Just notice what’s happening inside you. Healing happens slowly but surely.
Is it wrong to feel angry or hurt?
No. Feelings aren’t wrong—they’re messengers. They help you understand what needs care and attention.
How do I stop needing my wife to validate me?
By building awareness of your own worth and learning to self-soothe, you stop relying on external validation to feel secure.
You don’t have to have all the answers today. You just need to be curious and honest. Notice what’s happening inside you without shame, judgment, or rushing to fix it.
If you’re struggling in your marriage—feeling rejected, invisible, or unsure how to reconnect—I want you to know you’re not alone. This process can help you become the steady, emotionally secure, respected husband you want to be.
If you’re ready to begin that journey, reach out to me for one-on-one coaching. Together, we’ll help you become the Secure Husband you were meant to be. Fill out the contact form and take that first courageous step today.