In this fifth part of our series, we’ve noticed we’ve made the decision to grow. We’ve connected with the scared inner boy inside of us, and we’ve listened to the voice of truth from our higher power. Now it’s time to act.
Welcome back to The Secure Husband article, Bruce Abbott, certified professional coach and founder of Secure husband.com,
The article for good men who are ready to stop reacting and start healing from the inside out.
So step five in the Secure Husband process is all about taking loving action. Now, this thinking about doing it, deciding whether to do it. This is actually doing it, putting into action, living it.
This is where healing becomes real, because without action healing stays in your head and nothing ever changes.
Think of it as the difference between knowing and becoming.
It’s the connection between understanding and healing your wounds and transforming your life and getting yourself out of pain.
What Loving Action Is (and Isn’t)
Something very important. Taking loving action is not about getting it perfect. It’s about showing up in a new way, a way that honors your truth, honors your inner child, your divine guidance,
And when a good man is married to a good woman and you’re just in a dysfunctional pattern,
action is loving, loving toward yourself, and loving toward your partner. Even if it is uncomfortable. Even if it is difficult,
it pushes you out of your comfort zone.
Especially if it’s not what your wounded self would usually do.
So this is loving action towards yourself and your wife.
And I’ll go deeper in a minute because yes, there are circumstances where loving action towards yourself means putting distance between you and your wife.
If there’s intolerable behaviors, we’ll get into that,
but just know that this action is loving and not reactive. And it’s going to be action. That takes a lot of courage. ’cause again, you’re doing something different
and it requires you to put it into practice. All the inner work that you’ve been doing, the emotional awareness, the healing conversations with your inner child and your higher power. Again, none of it changes anything in your marriage unless you put it in emotion. ’cause your wife can’t feel your intentions.
She can only feel your actions
and circumstances. Again, don’t change with intentions. They change with actions. She doesn’t know that you sat in quiet prayer. She doesn’t know that you heard the voice of truth. She doesn’t know that you’ve been noticing all your patterns. She only knows how you show up.
She sees how you speak, how you respond instead of react, how you move, how you lead.
And to be honest, you only begin to trust yourself when you live out what you’ve learned. I fell into that gap for years. I would read the books and watch the videos and take the courses and do the articles, but I was always fearful of taking action
and so that’s what I finally had to do. Take loving action. It’s what turns the healing from this private in your head experience into transformation.
Loving Action Is Not:
- Manipulating her into feeling better about you.
- Fixing things to avoid discomfort.
- Pretending to be okay when you’re not.
- Self-abandoning just to keep peace.
- Blaming, shaming, sulking, or yelling to get your needs met.
Loving action is not reactive.
Loving Action Is:
Grounded. Led by truth and not fear. Intentional. Rooted in compassion, not control. Compassion for yourself and compassion for your partner.
Loving action always honors your healing.
Why Your Inner Child Feels the Shift
So when we talked earlier about your inner child and how he felt that you abandoned him, loving action. Will create just the opposite feeling inside,
especially when you connect that with wisdom from your divine guidance
That action is going to, as scary as taking that action may be your inner child will feel comforted by it
If it’s not one of those things, it really is not loving action. It’s just your old survival mechanisms popping up maybe in a new way.
But the important thing here is that loving action. Any step that you take, . Is aligning with what your inner child needs and what your higher power told you is true, and that’s what allows you to stay connected to yourself with compassion and strength.
Sometimes it may be easy to do, sometimes it may be really hard, may be scary, or you may feel at peace, but it’s always gonna be honest.
Speaking and Acting from Truth
You’re going to be speaking the truth or acting the truth. So if you say, babe, I wanna share something I’ve been avoiding, ’cause honesty matters to me. That’s loving action. That takes courage. Or if you’re in a situation, you might say, babe, I need some time to reflect. Not to punish you, but to stay grounded in love.
That’s honest, babe. I’m here, but I’m not abandoning myself anymore. I’m still committed to us, but I’m not gonna chase you for validation ’cause I’m learning how to give that to myself now. That’s an honest statement.
You might even say, Hey babe, when I shut down earlier. I was scared. I’m not proud of it, but I’m choosing differently now.
When you speak truths like that, that’s loving action. Sometimes loving action is setting a boundary or just pausing. Just if things get heated. Being able to say, I think we need to take a few minutes to cool off
Loving action is also offering your connection without attachment.
My point here is that it always comes from this question of what feels loving to me to my inner child and my higher power all at once. We talked last time about that triad. So if the answer checks those three boxes, it meets all criteria of the triad, you’re ready to act.
How to Choose the Right Action (The Triad)
So what might this look like? Okay. Reconnect with what you’ve already uncovered in those earlier steps. Just review the truth. Ask yourself, what did I notice about my pattern?
What did my inner child reveal about what he needs and what did my higher power tell me was true? Write it down if you have to. Just anchor yourself in that clarity.
And then ask yourself this question, what action would honor all three, my truth, my inner child, and my higher power? Sometimes that’s gonna be obvious, sometimes it won’t. That’s okay. Just sit with the question.
Go to your higher power again, pray over it. Let clarity come from alignment and not this urgency to do something. Anything. If you’re a journaling kind of guy, I wish I was better at it. If journaling works for you, journal it, write it down.
The important thing here is getting clarity.
Then you commit. You commit to that action no matter how small it is. Maybe it’s initiating a gentle but honest conversation. Maybe it’s walking away from a toxic argument. It could be apologizing from love, not shame.
Maybe the action is speaking a need without expecting her to meet it perfectly.
Oftentimes the men that I work with, they just wish their wife would meet ’em halfway,
that there be some dual effort,
and maybe it’s saying no more. To chasing her approval
And needing her validation to define your worth.
Again, the action must be loving and aligned. Not just toward her, but toward yourself because you’ve been abandoning yourself probably your whole life. And then you follow through. You follow through with compassion, you follow through with self-love and love for others. You don’t have to get it perfect, but you do have to follow through.
Even if you’re scared to death, your voice is quivering. Even if she doesn’t respond well, this is where soothing your nervous system is so important. Self-soothing.
See, here’s the thing. Even if nothing outside of you changes, something will change inside of you.
And that’s what this is all about. Because if you take action. To get your needs met in a loving, compassionate way, and she refuses to do that. That tells you something right there about what your next step will be.
Action equals change.
A Real-Life Example (Why This Works)
Lemme show you what this looks like. One of my guys I was talking to yesterday, he always panics when his wife gets quiet.
And he would send her long texts and notes and he’d try to fix it, and he’d try to beg for connection. And after doing the work, he connected to his inner child, and then he realized that the chasing came from that small little boy inside who was scared and felt abandoned.
So he took his faith in God. He went to that higher power and he asked, what is my truth? And his higher power told him, you’re not abandoned. I’m with you. You’re safe. Even in her silence and withdrawal. , so he determined his loving action was that the next time she shut down, he was not gonna chase. And he sat quietly and took deep breaths and he would say to his little boy inside, I know you’re panicking right now. But we’re okay. I’m here. I’ve got you.
You’re safe. And he was able to soothe his nervous system because it was his anxiety that was just revving up inside. He was able to soothe it. He was able to get clarity, and then later that night,
he told his wife something along the lines of, Hey babe, I noticed that I usually. Try to chase after you and bug you and when you’re quiet. But I’m just learning to pause and love myself first, and when you’re ready to talk, I’m ready.
Something along those lines. I may have not gotten it quite verbatim, but he said that it blew her away. She didn’t really know how to respond to that, but she felt the shift.
And he started noticing it in other areas. He talked about how he used to say yes to everything to avoid conflict, that he had a hard time saying no, and then he’d get frustrated and then he’d explode, and then he’d feel resentful
because his inner child was saying, I am scared to make anyone mad, because when I was young, if I did anything that somebody didn’t like, I felt their wrath. I felt their anger,
and he told me that he learned that. Love meant being easygoing and never saying no ’cause that would upset someone. So we worked on this and he went to his higher power and
what he got back was, you are not loved for being convenient. You’re loved because you are, you just are.
So from there he was able to get some clarity about what his loving action would be and he learned how to say no, but he learned how to do it with kindness and peace.
You can do that if you say, Hey, you know what, I really care about this. It just doesn’t feel right for me right now. Thanks. But no thanks.
And I remember in our session, the first time he did that, he was like, dude, this felt powerful. And it’s not because he controlled anything, it’s because he honored his truth.
And he would tell me that the response was often, oh, okay.
That reassured him. And see that’s the thing is the fear of the response. This is the, I think the biggest part of this because sometimes loving action means doing something that’s not going to be received the way that you want it to. And that’s why it takes courage.
Mindset Shift: Results vs. Alignment
A mindset shift, you’re not taking action to get a specific response. You’re taking action to become the man who lives in alignment with love for himself
in your marriage. Her response is not your responsibility, but your alignment is.
Your alignment with your inner boy, your higher power yourself.
So sometimes you may get blowback of confusion or resistance or anger or withdrawn silence or passive aggressiveness.
Yeah, you might’ve been hoping for openness and softening. And curiosity and respect,
but here’s the thing. The way you handle the situation is the same. Either way, stay loving, stay you, stay honest, stay clear.
A Short Guided Pause (Do This Now)
I want to take a minute and just slow down if you are in a place where you can close your eyes safely. If you’re not driving, let’s take a quiet moment. Just close your eyes and take a deep breath. Put your hand over your chest. And I want you to ask yourself, what pattern have I been stuck in? What did my inner child say that he needs instead of what I’ve been doing and what did my higher power say that is true about me?
And after asking those things. What would it look like to live from that truth today?
What will the action be? Maybe it’s sending a kind clear message. Maybe it’s not reacting to her withdrawal, soothing your nervous system when she does that. Maybe it’s initiating affection without fear.
Maybe it’s taking space to just self-soothe without punishing her.
Maybe it’s something that’s been needing to be addressed for a long time
and it’s facing the fear. And with courage, say, babe, I’m feeling something come up and I’ve been working on this a while, and I want to handle it with love. This time, whatever it is, say yes and do it. Say yes to yourself. Say yes to your healing, to your growth, and take that action.
Why You Must Act (Even If She Doesn’t)
The only way things will change in your life, change in your marriage is when you take action. ’cause if you’re waiting for her to suddenly change with you doing nothing, you’re gonna be waiting a long time.
Take action. Not because she suddenly changes, not because everything becomes easy, not because you finally start living in alignment with truth and love. You’ve listened, you’ve felt you’ve healed. Now you have to act,
That’s what makes you trustworthy and strong. That’s what makes you an emotionally safe place
for your wife. Because every time you choose a loving action for your truth, for your inner child, for your higher power, you become more grounded. You become more peaceful. You become the secure husband.
📍 You got to take. Action.
Key Takeaways (Quick List)
- Healing becomes real only when you act.
- Loving action is grounded, compassionate, and aligned—not reactive.
- Honor the triad: your truth, your inner child, your higher power.
- Commit to small, clear, loving steps—and follow through.
- Your responsibility is alignment, not her response.
FAQs
How do I take loving action without starting a fight?
Lead with calm honesty. State your need or boundary clearly and kindly. If emotions escalate, pause: “I care about this and want to handle it with love. Let’s take five.”
What if my wife stays distant after I act differently?
Stay aligned and consistent. Soothe your nervous system. Keep choosing loving action. Her response may take time, but your steadiness builds trust—first in you, then between you.
How do I know the action is loving and not reactive?
Check the triad: Does it honor your truth? Soothe and protect your inner child? Align with what your higher power said is true? If yes, proceed.
What if I’m terrified to act?
Courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s choosing alignment despite fear. Breathe, reassure your inner boy, and take the smallest loving step today.
Can loving action include taking space?
Yes. Space can be self-respect, not punishment. Name it clearly: “I’m taking time to stay grounded. I’m here, and I’ll reconnect at X time.”
Get Unstuck
If you’re a husband who feels stuck, lonely, or unseen—and you want to stop reacting and start healing—I’m here for you. You don’t have to do this alone. Reach out to me for one-on-one coaching so we can help you become the Secure Husband you’re meant to be. Fill out the contact form and reach out today.