You must heal the relationship with yourself before you can ever heal the relationship with others.
For years I was trying to fix my marriage. I was trying to fix my wife. I was trying to fix myself, but not in a healthy way, and nothing ever seemed to work, and I just felt more and more frustrated and discouraged.
It wasn’t until I realized that I have to heal myself. I have to heal the relationship with myself before I could ever heal the relationship with my wife.
And if you’ve been pouring everything you can into your marriage, trying to fix that disconnection, trying to do the right things, and nothing has changed, you’re not seeing any shift, and you’re getting frustrated and you’re thinking, why do I have to work on me again? What about her? Why can’t she just meet me halfway?
We have to go back to the first principle in the Secure Husband article that you cannot fix your wife. You are the only person you can control. You are the only person you can lead. You’re the only person whose heart and habits and thoughts and beliefs and behaviors you have access to every single day.
You have been abandoning yourself since you were a little boy, so nothing will ever change in your marriage until you start to have a relationship with yourself.
Because when you’ve been neglecting that relationship, you’ve been sabotaging your marriage and most likely other areas in your life.
It’s this inner disconnection, this wound that needs healing.
And you stop waiting for someone else to change.
Notice the Relationship You Have With Yourself
So we always start with just noticing.
Just notice the relationship that you have with yourself.
I mean, you are with yourself 24/7, far more than you are ever with your wife.
So let’s look at the truth that’s happening with that relationship.
Is that relationship you have with yourself filled with self-criticism, self-abandonment, numbing, suppressing your needs, ignoring emotions, a pressure to perform, and shame when you don’t measure up?
See, that’s not a relationship with yourself. You’re not speaking to yourself with love.
You’re managing yourself almost like a tyrant boss.
You start treating your feelings like inconveniences and your needs like weaknesses.
Your emotions feel more like threats.
Your body is this disconnected machine.
You start to believe that your thoughts are almost like your enemy.
And when you don’t feel safe with you, guess where you’re gonna try to get all of your worth and your validation and your love from?
From her.
That’s not love.
We call that outsourcing.
You’re outsourcing your validation, you’re outsourcing your emotions.
It turns your marriage into a survival strategy instead of a loving connection, and it makes your wife responsible for soothing what you’ve abandoned.
And the end result is pressure where there should be peace.
So when you’re trying to do all of these things to fix your marriage, the true beginning of healing is where a lot of men don’t look inside.
So you notice that.
Notice what your inner relationship is like.
And I know this is not always easy.
How Do You Speak to Yourself When You Make a Mistake?
But think about this.
How do you speak to yourself when you make a mistake?
For me, I was always so hard on myself.
You know, I’d say, oh, Bruce, that was so stupid. Dumb ass. Come on.
That’s not loving.
How do you respond to your own sadness?
What about your thoughts?
Do you criticize them or do you listen to them?
When you feel anxious, do you slow down and lean into them, breathe through them with courage?
Or do you try to override them or numb them out with addictions?
I know from personal experience, when you’re in this situation, it feels lonely.
And when you feel lonely, do you give yourself compassion or do you go looking for someone else to make that loneliness stop?
So you treat yourself by shaming and blaming and guilting yourself and others, but it doesn’t work, and that’s why it hasn’t worked in your marriage.
See if you can’t sit with your own pain and work through it and lead, you don’t know how to comfort your own fear, and you don’t give yourself any loving care or presence.
Then you’ll show up in marriage reacting and needing and people pleasing and blaming or manipulating, numbing out.
You’re not leading yourself.
Again, that’s self abandoning, but you’re calling it strength.
Choose to Stop Abandoning Yourself
And once you notice this, then you can choose to begin showing up for yourself no matter what you’re feeling.
You stop running from sadness.
You stop running from fear and rejection and loneliness and shame and powerlessness.
And instead of fixing or escaping, or numbing, or withdrawing, or raging, just sit with yourself.
Take a deep breath.
And just say, whew, okay. I know I’m hurting, but I’m not gonna abandon myself this time.
That’s a choice.
That’s the beginning of internal safety.
When you can feel safe with yourself.
Because you haven’t felt safe with yourself for a long time.
When you can feel safe for yourself, you no longer need to chase love.
You don’t have to collapse when she pulls away.
You don’t have to perform to be accepted and bust your butt to try to earn love and affection.
You don’t have to hide what you’re really feeling.
You can be truthful.
You can be honest and authentic.
You don’t have to panic if you don’t feel validated.
Now you can lead.
You can set the emotional tone now and take the lead.
Because inside of you, you’ve let others take the lead.
Now you are taking the lead in a loving, compassionate, to yourself and others way.
And that’s where your healing starts.
It’s All About That Inner Boy
It’s all about that inner boy.
It’s all about that young boy inside of you, that younger part of you who learned early on that his feelings were too much, that his needs were inconvenient.
That attention came from achievement and not vulnerability.
He learned that love had to be earned and not received freely.
He’s still waiting to be seen.
And he had to adapt due to circumstances.
He got quiet, or he tried to be perfect, or maybe tried to be invisible, or he tried to be funny.
I used to do this when I was a kid.
If I could make somebody laugh, that meant I was seen.
But deep down, that little boy doesn’t feel safe.
And we talk about that inner child in every single article because he’s the one who hijacks your nervous system in the marriage.
He’s the one that reacts when your wife pulls away.
He’s the one that shuts down when she does.
He’s the one that panics when he doesn’t feel loved.
He’s the one that’s looking for validation through sex, performance, people pleasing.
The truth is though, he doesn’t need your wife.
He needs you.
He needs the grounded man you’re becoming.
That secure husband that says, hey, little guy, you’re not too much. I see you. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.
And you connect him to a higher power.
That source of unconditional love and inherent worth.
God, the universe, spirit, whatever’s comfortable for you.
And he gets truth that he is loved.
That he is worthy.
And the healing now begins for real, as opposed to what you’ve been doing.
Your Inner Relationship Shapes Your Marriage
That inner relationship shapes all the relationships around you.
So these guys that I coach, and myself included, you know, when we would say, my wife doesn’t respect me, that I don’t feel connected to her anymore, she doesn’t seem to want me, I feel invisible.
He’s experiencing those things internally too with himself.
He doesn’t respect himself.
He’s not connected to himself.
He doesn’t give himself presence.
He is invisible to himself.
And until that changes, nothing external will feel secure.
And you keep trying to control your wife’s behavior and you keep collapsing when she doesn’t respond the way you need.
You keep walking on eggshells to keep the peace.
You keep shutting down, withdrawing, sulking, say whatever, I’m done.
None of that is leadership.
It’s survival.
And you get to choose to do something different and take action.
Loving Action Builds Self-Trust
Loving action.
Consistent loving action that rebuilds self-trust.
You start treating yourself like a man who matters.
And you do that in all the areas of your life.
- Resting when you’re exhausted
- Moving when you feel stuck
- Speaking your truth, even if it’s uncomfortable
- Setting boundaries, even if it’s scary
- Facing your fear and sitting with your feelings even when they suck
- Soothing your nervous system
- Not abandoning yourself
You know, another area where we abandon ourselves is not keeping our word with ourselves.
We focus so much on keeping our word with our wife or with our kids, but what about with ourselves?
See, when you trust yourself, you keep your word with yourself.
And you stop reacting from panic.
And you stop abandoning yourself to keep the peace and people pleasing to be chosen.
Collapsing when love isn’t returned immediately.
Because now you trust yourself.
And when you trust yourself, you’re clear and you’re consistent and you’re calm.
You can soothe.
And when you can do that, attraction returns.
You become magnetic.
And you’re no longer desperate for external connection because you’ve reconnected to yourself.
This Is Not About Feeling Better. It’s About Becoming Secure.
Because these struggles in your marriage, that’s really what this is about.
That disconnection with yourself.
It’s not about feeling better.
It’s about becoming the secure husband.
It’s about becoming the kind of man that doesn’t fear disconnection.
Because he knows how to stay grounded and connected with himself.
He doesn’t people please.
He doesn’t overgive because he’s already enough.
He doesn’t chase.
He leads.
He doesn’t collapse.
Because he’s steady.
He can soothe his nervous system.
And he stops trying to control because he trusts himself.
And he creates connection.
And he models peace.
He leads from truth.
And if his wife doesn’t respond, he doesn’t fall apart because he is already connected to himself.
That’s the foundation of every healthy marriage.
To have that deep internal connection with yourself based on love and compassion.
Because if you’re not at peace with yourself, if you’re at war with yourself, you cannot have a secure marriage.
You will always ignore your needs.
You will always avoid your own emotions and shame your inner voice.
And you will find yourself chasing her to feel whole.
You have to heal the relationship you have with you and that inner boy inside of you.
Only then will you feel safe in your own presence.
And then your wife can begin to feel safe in it too.
You don’t need to be perfect.
You just need to show up for you first with love and compassion.
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FAQ: Healing Yourself to Heal Your Marriage
Why do I keep trying to fix my wife?
Because you feel pain and you want relief. But you cannot control her. You can only lead yourself and heal what you have access to every day.
What does “outsourcing” mean in marriage?
It means you try to get your worth, validation, and emotional safety from your wife instead of building internal safety and self-trust inside yourself.
How do I stop abandoning myself when my wife pulls away?
Pause, breathe, and choose to stay with yourself. Say, “I know I’m hurting, but I’m not gonna abandon myself this time.”
What is the role of the inner boy in my marriage?
He is the part of you that learned love must be earned, feelings are too much, and rejection is danger. He hijacks your nervous system when your wife disconnects.
What is one small action I can take today?
Keep one promise to yourself today. Rest when you need rest. Speak one truth calmly. Set one boundary. Sit with one feeling without numbing it.
A Personal Invitation to You
If you are tired of feeling stuck in your marriage, tired of chasing connection, and tired of feeling invisible, I want you to know you are not alone. And you do not have to keep doing this by yourself. If you want help healing the relationship with yourself, calming your nervous system, and becoming the kind of steady, grounded man who leads with truth and self-respect, reach out to me for one-on-one coaching. Fill out the contact form on my website and reach out. I will help you become the Secure Husband by rebuilding self-trust, learning to stop abandoning yourself, and learning how to lead your marriage from calm, grounded strength.