Never threaten an open marriage to guilt your wife into more sex.
It might feel like a way to express your frustration. It might feel like the only card you have left. But I promise you—it will backfire.
Because what you’re doing isn’t leadership. It’s sabotage. It’s a pain-driven reaction that will destroy the very trust your marriage needs to survive.
So let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about what you’re really feeling, what’s really behind that threat, and how you can show up in your marriage with strength instead of shame.
The Truth Behind the Threat
Most men who bring up an open marriage don’t actually want one. They just want to feel wanted by their wife again. They want to feel chosen. Desired. Seen.
But when that’s not happening, when the bedroom is silent, when the affection is gone, they reach for control. And that’s when things like this come out:
- “Maybe we should open the marriage.”
- “I guess I’ll just find someone else who wants me.”
- “What’s the point of monogamy if nothing’s happening?”
It’s a desperate move to get attention. To make her feel jealous. To shake her awake.
But all it does is push her further away.
Picture This Before You Say It
Take a moment. Really think about it.
It’s a Friday night. You’re alone. And another man is with your wife.
Because let’s be honest—if you opened the marriage, she’d have no trouble finding someone. She could get more sex as a married woman than you could as a married man.
This threat isn’t edgy. It’s not brave. It’s not honest. It’s manipulative, passive-aggressive, and cowardly.
It kills trust. It kills safety. And it kills intimacy.
What You’re Really Feeling
Let’s strip this down.
When you threaten an open marriage, here’s what’s really going on:
- You feel rejected.
- You feel invisible.
- You feel powerless.
- You’re scared that you’re not enough.
And instead of sitting with those hard feelings and healing them, you reach for the only tool that might get a reaction: threats.
You’re hoping to create fear in her that will force connection.
But fear never leads to love. It leads to distance.
This Isn’t Strength. It’s Desperation.
When you threaten to open the marriage, it might feel like strength. But really, it’s shame in disguise.
And when you lead from shame, from fear, from panic, your wife doesn’t feel drawn closer. She feels emotionally unsafe. She feels manipulated. She feels distant.
Trust doesn’t grow in that space.
It dies.
Stop the Power Play
Take a breath. Pause. And notice what’s underneath this.
When you say things like:
- “If we’re not having sex, why are we even monogamous?”
- “At least in an open marriage, someone would want me…”
What you’re really saying is:
“I feel unwanted. I feel scared. I don’t know how to connect anymore.”
But instead of being honest about that, you try to control the situation with fear.
That’s not leadership. That’s survival mode. That’s sabotage.
You Can’t Shame Your Way Into Affection
Affection doesn’t come from fear.
Connection doesn’t grow through control.
If you truly want more intimacy in your marriage, you have to stop using pain as a weapon.
And you have to start healing the wound that believes you need to threaten your wife just to feel seen.
What Needs Healing Inside of You
This starts with the part of you that’s hurting.
The younger, wounded part of you.
The boy inside who feels like he’s not being chosen. That little guy who’s scared he doesn’t matter.
You have to show up for him.
You say:
“Hey little guy… I know this hurts. I know you feel unwanted. But you’re still enough. We’re not going to lash out. We’re going to lead with love, even though we’re scared.”
Fear is normal. But when you learn to lead through fear—not from it—that’s when emotional maturity grows.
That’s when trust starts to return.
Let’s Get Real About Reality
Here’s the honest truth:
If your wife wanted to have sex with someone else, she could. Easily.
Kids or no kids. Wedding ring or not.
But for you? If you’re over 30 or 35, you’re not going to have a line of women waiting.
And you’re probably not emotionally ready for what that would do to your identity, your kids, your finances, your entire life.
Threatening an open marriage is like bluffing at a casino with a terrible hand. And she knows it.
If she ever does take you seriously, you’ll be sleeping on the couch while she rediscovers her sexuality—with someone else.
And that intimacy you were desperate for? It’s gone.
Speak Your Truth, Not Your Threat
Instead of threats, lead with truth.
Say:
“Babe, I miss intimacy with you. I’m struggling. I know I’ve used pressure or manipulation before, and I want to stop that. I want to lead with love—not fear.”
That’s honesty. That’s strength.
You’re not trying to control her.
You’re not demanding compliance.
You’re inviting connection.
And that is what creates safety. Safety creates trust. And trust is where real intimacy grows.
Rebuilding Takes Time
This won’t be a quick fix. But healing never is.
As you grow into the secure husband…
As you stop needing to threaten to feel powerful…
As you begin to love from a place of strength…
Things will shift.
Even if the bedroom stays quiet for a while, you won’t make it worse by reaching for the wrong tools.
You’ll show up calm. Grounded. Honest. Present.
When You Feel the Urge to Threaten…
If you’ve ever thought of using this threat to get your wife’s attention, know this:
You’re in pain. But you’re reacting, not leading.
And that reaction will push her away.
So stop.
Heal the wound.
Own your needs.
And lead with clarity.
That’s what real strength looks like.
That’s what a secure husband does.
FAQ: Should I Threaten an Open Marriage?
Will threatening an open marriage get my wife’s attention?
Yes—but not in the way you want. It might scare her. It might trigger her. But it won’t build connection. It kills trust.
What do I do instead of making threats?
Speak your truth calmly. Say what you need without controlling her. Lead from love, not fear.
Why do I feel so desperate for sex and attention?
Because deep inside, there’s a wounded part of you that equates sex with love. That needs healing—not escape.
What if I already made the threat?
Own it. Apologize for it. Tell her where it came from. Then shift to emotional leadership.
Can this still be repaired?
Yes. When you stop reacting and start leading, healing is possible. But it starts with you.
You Don’t Have to Hurt Alone
If you’re a man struggling in your marriage…
If you’ve felt unwanted, unseen, or unloved…
If you’ve said or thought things out of desperation…
Please know you’re not alone.
You’re not broken. You just need support. You need a guide to help you stop reacting out of pain and start leading from strength.
Reach out to me for one-on-one coaching. Let’s walk through this together and help you become the secure husband your marriage needs.
Fill out the contact form today.
Tags:
open marriage threat
emotional manipulation in marriage
rebuilding trust in marriage
husband feels unwanted
secure husband coaching
how to lead with emotional strength
intimacy without pressure
married men and low self-worth
stop reacting start leading
healing emotional rejection