“I pretty much married the first woman who would give me attention.”
A client said that to me not long ago, and it stopped me in my tracks.
If you’ve ever felt that way — like you settled because someone saw you when no one else did — this is for you.
Let’s unpack this.
When You’re Starving, Any Attention Feels Like a Feast
When he said, “I married the first woman who gave me attention,” what he really meant was, “I never felt wanted growing up.”
And I get that.
This wasn’t about weakness. It wasn’t about being broken. It was about being starved for love, for affection, for feeling visible. And when someone finally offers you a little bit of that? You cling to it. You grab on like your life depends on it — because emotionally, it kind of does.
But here’s the truth:
- He didn’t choose from alignment.
- He didn’t choose based on shared values.
- He didn’t choose from knowing who he was.
- He chose out of lack.
And so many of us do.
We confuse attention with love, because when you’ve gone your whole life without being seen or heard, attention feels like everything.
Love Isn’t the Same as Attention
That moment of attention can feel like a miracle. Finally, someone sees you. You’re no longer invisible. But here’s what we miss when we’re starving:
- Attention is temporary.
- Love is sustainable.
- Attention can come from anyone.
- Love comes from connection, values, respect, and safety.
When you’re starved, you don’t ask important questions like:
- Is she emotionally healthy?
- Does she align with my core values?
- Does she want the same type of connection I want?
- Does she even know how to love in a secure way?
Because in that moment, feeling chosen is enough.
Notice Where You Confused Relief With Love
Just like in the Secure Husband process, the first step is always this:
Notice.
Notice where you confused relief with real love. That initial attention you got felt like a warm meal after being hungry for years. But that relief becomes your commitment.
You bond to the first moment of being seen.
And that can keep you locked in a relationship that doesn’t actually serve the man you’re becoming.
You Didn’t Do Anything Wrong — You Were Just Hurting
This isn’t about blame or regret. It’s not about beating yourself up. You weren’t weak. You were wounded. You were unaware. You were surviving. And so was she.
You both brought your wounds to the table.
It’s not about villainizing her or putting yourself in the victim seat. It’s about recognizing that the version of you that chose her was doing the best he could. You made a decision from the survival self — not the healed self.
Now, though, you have a chance to change that.
That Little Boy Inside of You Still Wonders If He’s Enough
The part of you that latched onto the first bit of attention? That’s the little boy inside you.
- The one who never got affection.
- The one who didn’t feel seen.
- The one who thought love had to be earned.
And now, years later, you may be a grown man — but he’s still in there. Still scared. Still wondering, “Will I ever be chosen again?”
That’s why the thought of leaving the marriage can trigger a deep panic:
“If I let go, will anyone ever want me again?”
But that’s not his decision to make anymore.
Now it’s your job to step in — to parent that little boy — and give him the love he never got.
You’re Worthy Without Attention
You tell him:
- “You are worthy, even when no one’s watching.”
- “You are lovable without performing.”
- “You are enough.”
Then you connect that boy — and your current self — to a deeper source of unconditional love. Whether you call that God, a higher power, the universe, or something else… you begin to let love in that isn’t dependent on attention.
Because real love doesn’t have to be earned.
And once you realize that? The panic softens. Your nervous system starts to calm. The cycle of settling starts to break.
When the Novelty Wears Off and the Truth Shows Up
Early in the relationship, attention is thrilling. The chemistry feels exciting. But over time, reality sets in. And you start to notice:
- We don’t really connect deeply.
- She’s not emotionally available.
- We don’t have the same values.
- There’s no real intimacy anymore.
You may even wonder: “Did we ever truly fit, or did we just coexist?”
That question hurts. But it’s honest.
Wanting Connection Isn’t the Problem
There’s nothing wrong with wanting:
- Respect
- Affection
- Emotional safety
- Deep intimacy
But if you don’t give that to yourself first, you’ll keep choosing partners based on the hope that they’ll do it for you.
And if your current partner isn’t capable or willing to grow — that’s not your fault. That’s not your shame to carry.
You are doing your work. You’re healing. And how she responds? That’s her story.
Choosing to Grow from Wholeness
When you grow, you stop saying things like:
- “I got tricked.”
- “She never really loved me.”
- “She used me.”
Instead, you say:
“I chose from brokenness. But now I’m choosing to grow from wholeness.”
You stop throwing blame. You stop trying to guilt her into becoming someone different. You just stand in your truth.
And you set new standards:
- Calm, clear, kind boundaries
- Integrity and emotional honesty
- Love without self-abandonment
She Can’t Heal You — But You Can Heal Yourself
Your wife can’t fix your wounds. She can’t be your emotional savior. She isn’t supposed to fill that little boy inside you.
You are.
And when you do — when you finally offer him the love he’s always chased — then you can invite your partner to meet the man you’ve now become.
A man who:
- Chooses love, not just attention
- Leads with strength and compassion
- Makes decisions from peace, not panic
- Refuses to settle for scraps
- Lives in truth, not validation
What If the Marriage Still Doesn’t Work?
That’s possible. You may grow, and she may not. You may get clear, and she may stay confused. There’s no guarantee that the relationship survives the shift.
But you will.
Because you’re no longer choosing from fear.
You’re choosing from security.
You can finally ask:
- “Does this relationship still work for me?”
- “Is this aligned with the man I’m becoming?”
And whatever the answer is — you’ll know it’s true. Not because you need her approval, but because you trust your own.
Let Yourself Wake Up
If you married the first woman who gave you attention, it doesn’t mean you failed.
It means you were hurt.
It means you were trying to feel worthy.
But now you’re waking up. And yes — waking up can be painful. But it’s also powerful.
You don’t need to burn your marriage to the ground. But you do need to stop betraying yourself to keep things comfortable.
You deserve better than just surviving.
You deserve peace. You deserve honesty. You deserve real love — starting with you.
Get Help
If you’re reading this and thinking, “That’s me… I married the first woman who gave me attention,” just know — I see you. I’ve been there. And you’re not alone.
If you’re ready to stop chasing attention and start leading from peace and self-worth… I want to walk that path with you.
Reach out for one-on-one coaching, and together we’ll help you become the Secure Husband — grounded, confident, and deeply loved — without abandoning yourself to get there.
Visit the contact form on my website to begin your journey. You don’t have to keep living stuck.
FAQ
Why do men marry the first woman who gives them attention?
Many men with low self-worth or wounded childhoods confuse attention with love. They cling to the first woman who sees them because it soothes deep emotional hunger.
How do I know if I married out of need instead of alignment?
If you never asked about shared values, emotional health, or long-term compatibility — and you mainly felt chosen — you may have married from lack, not alignment.
Can I fix my marriage after marrying from a wounded place?
Yes, healing starts with you. When you begin working on yourself and showing up secure, your relationship may shift. Whether she grows too or not, you’ll find peace.
What if my wife won’t grow with me?
You can’t force growth. You can only invite her to meet the man you’ve become. Her response is hers. Your healing is yours.
How do I stop needing attention to feel worthy?
By connecting with the little boy inside you, giving him love and validation, and healing the wounds that taught you love has to be earned.